So far this has been one of my most difficult holidays in recent memory. The realization that my mom is truly gone has rolled around again, in a way harder than ever. This is compounded with the usual fussiness from children and new tensions with our neighbors. I keep praying “Thy Kingdom Come. Thy will be done.” It’s amazing the way life slows down to a crawl under such duress. Then I think, “But there’s really so much to be thankful for.” No matter how much I think yelling and screaming would be better than “Do not disturb” the truth really is that inner aggression, even when it feels like I’ll explode, is a lot better than outer aggression. This morning I actually succeeded in stopping a rage fantasy. I said to myself out loud, “No. Stop. This won’t happen and I need not fear.” And I listened to myself. Life’s small miracles.
I’m currently reading Paul Tournier’s The Violence Within, Christoph Blumhardt’s Action in Waiting, and Henri Nouwen’s Reaching Out. Oh yeah, and I told myself to start reading “Tensions” (pg. 20), from Jean Vanier’s Community and Growth. It starts off: “Communities need tensions if they are to grow and deepen.” I don’t really like that. It’s not fun. But the truth is healing.