searching for Peace inside this season

So far this has been one of my most difficult holidays in recent memory. The realization that my mom is truly gone has rolled around again, in a way harder than ever. This is compounded with the usual fussiness from children and new tensions with our neighbors. I keep praying “Thy Kingdom Come. Thy will be done.” It’s amazing the way life slows down to a crawl under such duress. Then I think, “But there’s really so much to be thankful for.” No matter how much I think yelling and screaming would be better than “Do not disturb” the truth really is that inner aggression, even when it feels like I’ll explode, is a lot better than outer aggression. This morning I actually succeeded in stopping a rage fantasy. I said to myself out loud, “No. Stop. This won’t happen and I need not fear.” And I listened to myself. Life’s small miracles.

I’m currently reading Paul Tournier’s The Violence Within, Christoph Blumhardt’s Action in Waiting, and Henri Nouwen’s Reaching Out. Oh yeah, and I told myself to start reading “Tensions” (pg. 20), from Jean Vanier’s Community and Growth. It starts off: “Communities need tensions if they are to grow and deepen.” I don’t really like that. It’s not fun. But the truth is healing.

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